Ugly: Part One

12 years ago, when I was in 7th grade I was probably one of the most awkward kids you have ever met. I had glasses that reminded me of an owl, I had bangs that were cut straight across my forehead and I constantly wore my hair up in a ponytail with my hair slicked back against my head. In the winter I wore knitted sweaters that one would now call "ugly" and you would laugh at them if you found them in Goodwill. At least I didn't have braces yet, but I had a gap between my front teeth that made me look like a beaver. Then there was this boy....I had one of those silly middle school crushes on him. A friend of mine one day told him that I liked him and he said "Ew, she's ugly".

When I was a freshman in high school I got my first pair of contact lenses. I was in color guard and needed them in order to preform at my best. For 3 years I changed practically in public and trying to avoid being seen by boys. I mastered putting on my uniform under the clothes I currently had on, and even now, could change wherever if I needed to. But now there was a new problem. Now there were all of these girls with their small arms, legs and stomachs who were prancing around not caring who saw what. Then there was me, with my bigger build, soccer/gymnastic thighs and my slightly pudgy tummy that has been there since day one. They (for the most part at least) flaunted themselves, flirted shamelessly with boys, and were people magnets, or rather, boy magnets.  They were beautiful. Then there was me: quiet, modest, still very awkward and desiring if a boy who "just lived Jesus". Next to them, I felt ugly.

My freshman year of college I gained weight despite every good intention to eat healthy. I continued to be quiet, modest and I just felt bad about myself as a whole. I didn't have many real friends and felt left out of a lot of things. Usually I chalked it up to their outgoing attitude and how beautiful the girls were. My situation continued, no one wanted me. Even the girls didn't want to be around me. I thought that I must be too ugly for them.

Since then I've had Christian men who have outright told me "you aren't fat now, but if you got fat...I would no longer think you were beautiful". I dated one of these men, and I am embarrassed to say that the following was my thought process. "He must secretly think I'm getting heavy, so he must be lying to me when he says I'm beautiful...and he must want that prettier girl.  I always felt ugly, and never quite good enough.

Since then God has worked on me. I've embraced what I look like and I try to put more effort into my appearance. I no longer feel like I need to hide myself.  I feel more confident in who I am than I ever have before.  Truthfully, it's the joy I find in Him that ultimately makes me feel beautiful in His image.  Nonetheless there are still some days that I look in the mirror and I hate what I see...

I  have been having progressive trouble with my right eye since Friday, and maybe earlier on.  It's red and it burns like crazy.  I went to urgent care and was diagnosed with pink eye. Surprise! Glasses are necessary for the next few days!  So, today that I wore my glasses in public for the first time in years (minus while I worked at camp).  To be honest I was tempted to just not go to church today at all. I didn't want people to see me with these black frames on my face. I didn't want to wonder what people were thinking when they saw me with these things on....worst of all I didn't want to be ugly. 
It's amazing to think that words hurt and can have a lasting impact on someone, even 12 years later.  The great thing is that it's God's touch and truth that heals all wounds, even ones that have cut deep and that have caused long lasting scars.  Today God put me in a place where I had no where to run and I literally had to face myself and my fears head on.  I've always been afraid of being ugly, but today, I'm a whole lot less afraid than I was yesterday.  Thank you Lord for pushing me outside of my comfort zone.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart'" -1 Samuel 16:17 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight" -1 Peter 3:3-4 

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" -Genesis 1:27