Ugly: Part One

12 years ago, when I was in 7th grade I was probably one of the most awkward kids you have ever met. I had glasses that reminded me of an owl, I had bangs that were cut straight across my forehead and I constantly wore my hair up in a ponytail with my hair slicked back against my head. In the winter I wore knitted sweaters that one would now call "ugly" and you would laugh at them if you found them in Goodwill. At least I didn't have braces yet, but I had a gap between my front teeth that made me look like a beaver. Then there was this boy....I had one of those silly middle school crushes on him. A friend of mine one day told him that I liked him and he said "Ew, she's ugly".

When I was a freshman in high school I got my first pair of contact lenses. I was in color guard and needed them in order to preform at my best. For 3 years I changed practically in public and trying to avoid being seen by boys. I mastered putting on my uniform under the clothes I currently had on, and even now, could change wherever if I needed to. But now there was a new problem. Now there were all of these girls with their small arms, legs and stomachs who were prancing around not caring who saw what. Then there was me, with my bigger build, soccer/gymnastic thighs and my slightly pudgy tummy that has been there since day one. They (for the most part at least) flaunted themselves, flirted shamelessly with boys, and were people magnets, or rather, boy magnets.  They were beautiful. Then there was me: quiet, modest, still very awkward and desiring if a boy who "just lived Jesus". Next to them, I felt ugly.

My freshman year of college I gained weight despite every good intention to eat healthy. I continued to be quiet, modest and I just felt bad about myself as a whole. I didn't have many real friends and felt left out of a lot of things. Usually I chalked it up to their outgoing attitude and how beautiful the girls were. My situation continued, no one wanted me. Even the girls didn't want to be around me. I thought that I must be too ugly for them.

Since then I've had Christian men who have outright told me "you aren't fat now, but if you got fat...I would no longer think you were beautiful". I dated one of these men, and I am embarrassed to say that the following was my thought process. "He must secretly think I'm getting heavy, so he must be lying to me when he says I'm beautiful...and he must want that prettier girl.  I always felt ugly, and never quite good enough.

Since then God has worked on me. I've embraced what I look like and I try to put more effort into my appearance. I no longer feel like I need to hide myself.  I feel more confident in who I am than I ever have before.  Truthfully, it's the joy I find in Him that ultimately makes me feel beautiful in His image.  Nonetheless there are still some days that I look in the mirror and I hate what I see...

I  have been having progressive trouble with my right eye since Friday, and maybe earlier on.  It's red and it burns like crazy.  I went to urgent care and was diagnosed with pink eye. Surprise! Glasses are necessary for the next few days!  So, today that I wore my glasses in public for the first time in years (minus while I worked at camp).  To be honest I was tempted to just not go to church today at all. I didn't want people to see me with these black frames on my face. I didn't want to wonder what people were thinking when they saw me with these things on....worst of all I didn't want to be ugly. 
It's amazing to think that words hurt and can have a lasting impact on someone, even 12 years later.  The great thing is that it's God's touch and truth that heals all wounds, even ones that have cut deep and that have caused long lasting scars.  Today God put me in a place where I had no where to run and I literally had to face myself and my fears head on.  I've always been afraid of being ugly, but today, I'm a whole lot less afraid than I was yesterday.  Thank you Lord for pushing me outside of my comfort zone.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart'" -1 Samuel 16:17 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight" -1 Peter 3:3-4 

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" -Genesis 1:27

Overwhelmed By Love

For most of my life I have always dealt with loneliness and simply suffered tirelessly as I was overwhelmed by my own emotions. Typically when one feels lonely and unloved they will search for something to fill that hole in their heart. As a Christian, I have been taught my whole life that I should be filling the hole in my heart with Jesus instead of anything else. Let me tell you from experience that it's one thing to say those words, but to actually live it out is an entirely different story.

Growing up, I was always that girl that found their identity in people.  I would desire to be filled up with their "love" and the attention that they gave me, especially from the boys. It was so easy to just gravitate to someone who could and would love me that I could actually SEE, and honestly, it was the natural thing to do. It's entirely unnatural to chase after God and to be filled with a love unseen. And let's get real, it can be hard to believe that God could actually fill you more than what you've ever felt before from another human being.

A few months ago I had something happen in my life that left me feeling lonely and my heart shattered.  It has only been through God's mercy and grace that I am where I am today. I have been encouraged and strengthened by some of the greatest friends and mentors that God has placed in my life as well as through the time I have spent with Him. The peace and contentment I feel now can be overwhelming and I love every minute of it. I am daily blessed beyond measure and thank God for where He has brought me through it all. It is a miracle that God has brought my heart to where it is today.

Despite the wonderful and amazing things God has been doing in my heart and in my life, things aren't perfect as one is to expect.  A few days ago I felt a flood of loneliness and dismay that I haven't felt in quite some time. Instead of falling into old habits I chose to cry out to God unlike I ever have before.  I told him about how I felt hurt and lonely.  I literally repeated over and over again that I just wanted to be held and loved.  I was desperate for some sort of relief and it was in that moment that I felt a flood of love overwhelm me from the inside out.  It was then that I felt whole and complete like I never have before.

Never in my life have I felt so overwhelmed by the love of God than I did that night when I decided to cry out to Him instead of sitting around feeling bad for myself.  If you have never taken the time to do so, I want to encourage you to cry out to Him today.  It's so worth it to be filled up by your creator and to be held and loved on by the only one who can truly satisfy.  Instead of running to something that will only fill you up for a moment, try it out for yourself and be overwhelmed by His love.  From experience, it truly is the best thing in the world.

"For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority" -Colossians 2:9-10

"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" -Psalm 86:15

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you" -Psalm 63:3