An (Un)expected Friendship

Lately I've been feeling really lonely. But the feeling was even more intense than that word suggests. Most of the time I didn't think that ANYONE liked me. I felt like everyone was putting up with me because they felt sorry for me or just because they thought they had to for one reason or another and that every time I opened my mouth that people were getting annoyed with me. It hurt thinking that no one wanted to spend time with me or be around me, to think that I wasn't important or significant in any one's lives or that if I left and went home and never came back...that people wouldn't care in the least bit. It hurt to feel like I faded into the background, and that I was hidden somewhat, easily overlooked and like nothing I did was good enough. I constantly felt unwanted, uncared for, unloved...etc. This is something I've been struggling with on and off for YEARS. In fact, it's been a mind battle my whole life.

But you know what? All along it's been a lie.
All of it.
Every last one.

I realized today what it was like to hear from the devil. What it was like to listen to his words and to unknowingly meditate on them. To accept a lie as the truth. I realized that when he talks to me...the thoughts in my head start with the words "YOU ARE." Not "I AM." But "YOU ARE!!!" That revelation was so powerful to me!

God showed up so many times today after I had a breakdown this morning over all of those thoughts I mentioned earlier... When Amanda gave me a ride from the dorms over to the Chemistry building we talked and God just spoke through her. He told me all about how much He loved me! How great of a child I was. That I was beautiful. That I was worthy. That I was significant. That I was doing well. That people loved me. And so much more. And there have been other little moments today where I have just been able to take a step back and see how much I truly am loved! Not only in the spiritual realm...but also in the earthly realm as well. Just the little things. God went totally out of His way to love on ME! ME of all people! I don't remember the last time I felt as loved as I did today.


I honestly have just been feeling the peace of God transcend upon my soul as I've gone throughout my day. Totally and completely. A good way to put it is...I've felt like God's arm has been around my shoulders and that He'd pick and choose random times to show me how much HE loves me and how much OTHERS love me as well. How significant I truly am, how blessed I truly am. In a way He opened up my eyes to the things in which I hardly ever "let" myself see in a way. It's like sometimes I choose not to see the actual truth in a situation because there is a vail over my eyes. It's a crazy situation to think about!


Something I've also been struggling with, really only here at college...is the lack of a best friend here. In fact, sometimes I look around and everyone seems to have that one person who they always spend time with and are always talking to. But I don't have anyone. I thought about it today and realized that if I didn't have the XA guys to sit with at lunch, I'd probably be sitting by myself most days. So, thank you God for blessing me with awesome brothers! Anyway, it's something that I've really been thinking about lately and it's something that I'd really like to have. Something a part of me craves to have. I don't really have another sophomore to hang out with...that I clicked with in the beginning of my freshman year.

A wise friend of mine, said to me once..."Kerry, Jesus wants to be your best friend. He can be your best friend. You need to make Him your best friend and get all of your fulfillment from Him! And while you work on that...He'll bring you a best friend. AND He'll bring even more friendships into your life and bring you closer to people." The first time she said this to me, I got instantly annoyed and thought to myself "This girl is ridiculous and she doesn't know anything that she's talking about!" But after the absolute and unconditional love (that I didn't even ASK for!) that God gave me today...I believe it more than ever!


Jesus has been such a good friend to me today! I don't think I truly understood what it is/was supposed to be like to have Him as a friend until today. What's just a little amusing now about the whole situation is that I was definitely doubting His ability to make great best friend material. As I talked to a friend this morning I thought to myself "How ridiculous! Jesus can't be my best friend...Why would He want to be? That's a little crazy and out there... I don't think you know what you're talking about!" And I think because He knew I thought that He juts wanted to prove me wrong. He wanted to show me His glory. His power, His might. But most importantly, how much He loved me and How much He really did want to be my friend. He did that by doing things that friends do...except it was my Savior doing it for me!

He knew I was hurting and instead of waiting for me to come to Him, He showed up without asking. Because He loves me that much! Isn't that an awesome friend!?! He showed Himself to me and just loved on me today! ON ME! He went out of his way! Completely out of His way! Again, I didn't even ask! He just did it because He wanted to! Because He LOVES ME! I'm so completely blown away by that! I cannot even wrap my mind around it...

Part of me thinks "Why God? Why me? I'm not really that important..." But the truth is I AM! I am important. I'm a child of God. He has plans for me. He cares about me. Every little aspect of my life! Every hurt that I feel is HUGE to Him! Especially what I've been feeling...especially when I let the devil's lies get in. Why? Because if you let a lie get into your head, it can hurt and affect your life for forever. It's a crazy concept to think about, but it's so true!

I've come to a point where I've realized how awesome of a God our Lord is. How great and mighty Jesus is. How faithful and loving He is. He loves me enough to know everything about my life...to know I needed Him so much today. And because He knew that He chose...out of His great multitude of love for ME...to reach down and touch my heart today. I needed assurance. I needed a reminder. And He gave it all to me. Without me asking. :-) (You know why He knew? Because He's intricate!!!! You should go read the blog about how intricate of a God He is to find out why this is exciting for me).

To combat all the hurt I've been allowing for the devil to cause me to feel...I've decided that it's past time to officially make Jesus my best friend. I need to find everything in Him...He's the only one who won't ever let me down. Ever, ever. How stinkin awesome is that? There is a perfect God up there, who won't ever let you down or hurt you? And if you make Him your best friend, that means your best friend will never hurt you!!!! And you know what else is a plus about the whole situation? He's available 24/7 and He's got the power to cast mountains into the sea. Man, my best friend has walked on water, was born in a manger, rose from the dead, and performed miracles. My best friend is pretty sweet.

Jesus I love you. Thanks for being the best friend in the world. Thank you for loving me when I couldn't even love myself. Thank you for calming my soul. Thank you for restoring me and bringing me joy. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for always looking out for me. Thank you for caring.

Jesus is my friend. My very best friend. If He's not yours I'd totally recommend it.